dedicated to my first love
Let me start by saying. If I gave this letter to you in person I’d rip my hair out over it. You have every other letter I’ve written you. And those. Those words were my complete honesty, exposed truths, nothing was held back.
I loved you with every part of me. I gave my everything to you.
People say their first love is one they’ll never get over… I don’t know if I’ll ever get over you.
Though we’ve parted, I still love you. You were my first everything.
I miss you more than you know. I miss looking at you from your passenger seat, I miss watching you try bug ice cream, I miss being in your family photos, I miss every part of what we were. What we are, when we’re together.
You were my everything. And I wanted us to be forever. I wanted to wake up next to you, to be around you and your family, to just… be yours. It never felt like you were mine. Though I gave myself to you, I never had you to call mine. And I don’t think I ever will.
You said forever. I guess forever doesn’t last long. You said always. How long is always?
I know. This is for the best. That’s what everyone says — that’s what everyone is telling us, telling you. We want different things, we’re at different places in life, we don’t have the same religion, we don’t agree on so many things — that’s what everyone says. We tried. I gave you my everything, I tried to tell you what I needed, we did our best, and we still couldn’t make it work. That’s what everyone has told us, isn’t it?
How can you say goodbye so easily? Give up so easily? When all I ever thought about was you, when I woke up thinking about you, when I still lay awake at night thinking about you.
I tried. I gave my everything. I pushed every boundary for you. I went against all odds for you. I risked so much to be with you. And I hate to say it but if you asked me to do it all again, I know I would, because I’m a fool for you. I made excuses for you, undressed for you, wrote letters for you, took flights for you. Did my best for you.
I loved the person you were with every ounce of my being, even when it hurt me to do so. And I still do.
You were so quick to say I love you. And I was so quick to believe it. Maybe it’s true. Maybe you do love me. But everything that I wanted was never on the table for you. You gave me your words, your promises, your poems. But love isn’t just words. It’s effort, it’s compromise, it’s sacrifice, it’s commitment, and you weren’t — you say you aren’t — ready for that.
You say that love is all we have but that was all you had. Yes, I loved you. But I also cared as much as I could for you, and for your family. I gave you my attention. Made sacrifices for you. Showed you my appreciation. I want to see you happy. I want to see you succeed. I’ve always had more than love for you.
In the end I guess I expected too much from you. Even though I gave you every ounce of me and you left me broken, with no ability to trust anyone, you gave me the sliver of attention you could manage — your friends, your work, those were far more important to you it seems. That’s what everyone told me. But I still defended you.
Even when you lied through your teeth. Telling me you wanted to marry me, you wanted to try, that I was what you wanted. And then suddenly it all came crashing down. My world was torn apart when you told me you didn’t want to try anymore. I wasn’t worth the effort. I’m not what you want anymore.
You say you’re not sure what you want anymore.
I wanted to be the person you wanted. If you asked, I would change everything about me for you. Just ask. I want you to ask. But you don’t want me anymore. No matter what it is. No matter who I am, I’m not who you want.
I love you more than life itself.
When did you stop loving me the same way?
Perhaps you never had the love for me as I did for you.
I hope you find someone you can love with every ounce of your being, who you can give your heart to. Someone you’re willing to take risks for, to love with no remorse. You told me I was that person whom you loved that way. Hopefully you’ll be more truthful next time.
You’ve hurt me in ways I can’t even begin to explain. When you love someone and care so much, every little thing hurts a lot more than it should. I know I’ve hurt you too. From the bottom of my heart, I apologize for the pain I’ve caused you. Maybe if I hadn’t acted out in certain ways, done certain things, then maybe we’d still be who we were.
And though we are not who we used to be.
I still wait for your phone calls half past 11, when you get off work on the west coast and Im just going to bed on the east. I still wake up and look for your good morning text messages. I still scroll through our Pinterest board, reminiscing, wishing, that I could be in those scenes again. In those moments. Because I was at my happiest when I was loving you. I don’t know when, if ever, that I’ll be able to stop. I know I’ll drive myself insane trying to forget you, because you are not someone so easily forgotten. I believe you are the love of my life, and I don’t know when I can stop believing it. I know that when you finally find your person, and it isn’t me, my heart will shatter further than the millions of shards it is in right now.
I don’t think I’ll ever stop thinking about you. Every song that plays. Every sun that sets. Every single time I sleep and wake up I’ll be thinking of you.
That one time you told me you missed me. And I got on a flight that weekend for thanksgiving. It was for you. Because you missed me. My family still asks about you. They know where my head is at, and that you will always be someone I consider part of my family.
You broke my heart. I know. Maybe it’s what you needed to do for yourself. But you broke my heart. And I can’t expect you to fix it, I don’t expect that. I know I can’t let anyone else do it.
For the rest of my life I will be mending my heart, and mending my trust because now I won’t be able to trust anyone either. I took everything you said and believed it, internalized it, and here I am now discovering that it wasn’t true. You said it too soon. You weren’t serious. It was far too much for you, perhaps I was far too much for you.
You told me you’d change you tried to change, but you can’t change who you are at your core. You say that you only have eyes for me, yet it felt like I was always competing for your attention. You say you love me. But you say that. You don’t know what you want.
The sad part about all this is if you asked me to, I’d run back. I’d be right here. I forgive you for everything, I still want to be with you, I don’t want to lose you. And if you said the words, I’d come right back.
You still have me. You will always have me. I will always love you.
I still believe you’re my best. and I know you don’t think that. I know you’re not sure, but I am.
I would defend you with my life. I would risk everything for you. You.
For you I was ready to be all in.
It wasn’t just love, it was… it was care. It was family. It was support. I wanted to see you succeed, I wanted to see you happy, I wanted to build with you, to hit all the milestones. To have that house with a fireplace, to have that coffee shop. To do everything you wanted.
I want you and I could wait until the ends of the earth.
You are my everything.
I still have that list of things we said we would do. But now I have to do them myself.
I just. I can’t help but cry as I write this. Im so afraid this will be our last goodbye. When you said “one last hug.” I couldn’t hold in my tears anymore. I told you I couldn’t. Because I know what one last hug meant. I knew. Because you’re done with me. And I get that. You want me to move on. But Im not going to go looking for something or someone to replace you because I won’t be able to find something or someone to replace you.
I ran back to you while you were about to get into your car because I didn’t want you to leave. I wanted you to hold me. For longer than you had. I know. You’re done.
But why am I not done? Why can’t I be done?
When we started dating I wasn’t looking for a relationship. I told myself a relationship in general was a bad idea and I would wait until after college. But you stole my heart. And I couldn’t wait. I wanted you from the moment I met you. And I knew that. I told you in the back seat of your car that I was going to marry you. And in my heart I still want that. But I know you don’t. Or you don’t know. And that makes me hurt inside.
You probably never want to see me again, you’ll never talk to me again. You probably don’t want to think of me ever again. But that’s not what I want. I want to keep our memories. I want to remember us for what we were. The good and the bad.
I know this is over for you. I wish I could say it was over for me. But I know myself because I know Im going to send you a “congrats on going to college” card, an Eid card, a Halloween card, probably even a Christmas card.
You’ll always have a piece of my heart.
Thank you for what you’ve taught me.
Thank you for telling me that soulmates aren’t real. That people don’t end up with the love of their lives.
Maybe one day, my heart will mend.
PS if you ever. Move on. Please. Send the letters Ive written back to me. and the drawing I drew of us. Please. I would like to keep my thoughts of you. Even if you don’t want them.
P.P.S. I feel as though there are billions of things I want to tell you. But telling you them won’t make a difference.
I love you.
